http://www.animenewsnetwork.com/news/2009-09-23/hetalia-axis-powers-film-green-lit-for-2010
!!???!?!?!?!?????!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!????!?!?!?!?


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I'm going to go bury myself in a hole now
what a perfect time for it to hit
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I wish I were able to take myself seriously.

I guess I can add "America" to my list of nicknames I've gotten for places.

Anyway, I got elected President of Art Club today. Sarah is my vice.

Went to Hollywood Bowl with some people to watch this concert of Brazilian music. I fell asleep in the middle of it, then woke up with fireworks.

But mostly I feel mega-depressed for unrelated reasons and everything makes me want to cry.

I LOST
MY IPOD
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
LEGAL-KUN DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD:
;________________;
gah
I'm so stupid
godammit
*bashes head against wall*

Also this is unrelated but my mom asked me to help out:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cZXHv98GeHg
This is a mini-documentary made by our friends Patrese and Barbara.
Please watch and rate and/or leave a comment. OTL

I got so upset today. I really didn't want to cry, but I did. I feel better now, but really... I've been here for a week and not one chance to actually visit DC... and then my aunt, why does she have to treat me like I'm five years old? And I really did try to plan things out... How was I supposed to know Claudia was going to be here?

I was just so depressed, I just wanted to go home and get it all over with. I mean. I don't even get time with one of my best friends, and even though I lived around here four years I only got to visit Jefferson Memorial, and I probably won't be able to visit again for another year....

But it's not like I can do anything about that... I hate crying.

Went to a student art show at Santa Monica College. Watched some animated movies, they were cute. There were some gory ones too. They made me kinda dizzy. Then went to this Azerbaijan concert. It was pretty great. I love listening to live music. Violin is a crazy instrument, man.

Friday. It's the last Friday of the school year. Wow... I can't believe it.

And why is it that I just keep feeling worse and worse and worse? All the time I'm feeling lonely and useless and as if I'm doing things that piss people off. I know it's all very pointless but maybe I'm just stressed out...

Ok so I really really really should not be as upset about this as I am right now but UGHHHHH

Situation: Brazil has had a spelling reform. Which means that half the words I thought I knew how to spell aren't spelled the way I thought they were anymore. AND I FIND THIS VERY DEPRESSING

Oh god I'm going to be one of those old ladies who spells everything old-fashionedly
BUT WHY.
WHY DID THEY GET RID OF THE TREMA
AND WHY DON'T THEY ACCENT EI AND OI
WHYYYYYYYYY

OTL

Portuguese
why
must
you
be
so
difficult

(also this went into effect Jan. 1st 2009 and I just found out about it now. OTL)

On July 7th I'll be going to Brazil. It seems my dad will pick me up in Sao Paulo and then from there we'll go to Minas Gerais. Sounds good to me. If we're going to Minas it means we must be going to Luminarias. My uncle is the mayor of Luminarias XD

Then I'll be staying in Brazil until August 14. Damn my school, why does it have to start so early? Oh well, at least I get to spend some time there. Uwahhh I really miss Brazil! I'mma buy a ton of tico-tico and smuggle it home. I don't care if it's got any goddamn pesticides, I've been eating it for 14 years D:

Uwahhhhh. I miss Brazil. I want summer vacation to start already.

To what point is this a genuine feeling, and to what point am I just extending my agony?

SPOILERS ARE THE DEVIL
I SHOULD'VE LEARNED NOT TO LOOK THEM UP BY NOW

Yesterday I had an anxiety attack. I got so nervous and nauseated I had to lie down in the nurse's office and my mom had to pick me up after second period. Then I went home and slept all day.

It's kinda weird, that I was finally getting calmer and my body threw me for a loop like that. Not to mention the bizarre dreams I've been having. I had one where I almost died from our car driving off the road on an unforseen drop after a hill (really weird, I dunno how to explain) but I just had this most horrible feeling in my stomach, the worst thing I have ever felt EVER. It was twisting up my insides and telling me "haha! you're gonna die!" and I would tell myself, "I'm not dying!" and somehow I survived. I know, it was just a dream so I wouldn't die anyway, but it was just so vivid and terrifying.

Well, today I got more news that's making me even more phisically ill. Now I have a big headache to go along with my nausea. It's actually good news- my mom has been offered a job interview for yet another company! Which in effect means I get to stay.

But you know, after I got so used to this idea, "now I'm moving", and looking forward to Brazil and its wonderful food and people and the high-standard schools- well, I just feel completely disoriented. I can't even trust that I'll stay or leave because we won't know until my mom actually takes this interview. And honestly we're both so tired and worn out. I just want to relax and not have to think about this anymore.

I love this city, and the opportunities, but I'm tired of my school and I'm tired of having to suffer one blow and disappointment after another. I wish I could say I want to stay at this point, but I don't even know what I want anymore. Even if I do go to Brazil, International School is way expensive, and my other alternative is Bom Jesus- and, I don't really want to go to Bom Jesus... Although my brother really wants me to go.

I'm exhausted.

Taylor and Emily were actually planning a farewell party for me. So sweet of them D: They wanted to go in cosplay to Little Tokyo, which to me sounds like an awesome plan. But I just don't know what to do. Maybe I need to take this opportunity and calm down a little... a lot.

Sorry for the massive wall of text going on here, but I can't bring myself to put it behing an LJ-cut. :(

It's times like this when I kinda regret having only positive icons, or kinda sarcastic icons... But it's ok. It will be ok. Now that I've cried and holed myself up and lashed out at people, I get all that negativity out and I can look up and keep my head clear.

The truth is, we always knew it was coming. It was bound to happen sooner or later. Dare I say we're even used to it: In these last five years, my mom has lost her job four times. With the way things were going- halting construction, especially, since my mom is, or rather, was an urban designer- obviously they had to get rid of unnecessary people. And my mom was the logical choice. A foreigner, whose major function was to bring in foreign expertise to this area- is obviously not a priority in these times. And really, even as far back as a year ago we knew she was in trouble. But what can we do? It's not as if I could just pack up and head back for Brazil- the school system is wildly different, I was in my Sophomore year- we went through great pains to get me to finish that school year before even moving to California.

Even so, I couldn't help thinking that my mom was joking when she came in today. Of course she wouldn't; she never would about something like this. But we've been through so much crap and pulled through, it just seemed like another one of those phases. Unfortunately it wasn't so. They were generous to extend her Visa for a month. Otherwise we would be gone in just two weeks. Can you imagine that!

I have a little hope now. Always there is a little hope. Can my mom get a new job? Doubtful. But, as Kafuka would say- the possibility exists. There is also my dad. He is a Professor and has a program to complete, teaching in a foreign country. Could he come take care of me here? That's also an option- but of course we can't know for sure. Another possibility would be for me to move back to Maryland and stay with either one of my mom's friends, Cecilia or Sonia. I would hate for it to come to that, I don't want to impose myself on anyone like that- but, the possibility exists. My highest priority at the moment is to finish school, whatever it takes.

Well, when I heard the news, I just locked myself in my room. Posted that entry, and then flopped on the bed and curled up in the blankets and cried. What else could I do? Crying as my mom says, was given to us by God in order to wash out the soul. I also heard once: Keep your tears inside and they will freeze around your heart.

I felt a little better. Not much better. But just enough to be able to raise my head for a moment. I had this most noxious feeling in my stomach, like the acid was burning up my insides, and I wanted to throw up. I still feel a little like that.

Then my mom and my brother come and knock at my door. And of course we try and comfort each other, somehow. Without really thinking I found myself saying: "Let's go out and do something to rid ourselves of this negative energy." It took a little while for me to feel well enough to go out, but then we went down to the mall, walked around a bit; went to the science store, shared some laughs. Played two great rounds of DDR, both times my brother kicked my ass at it. Then we ate some subs, and had some cookies. Chocolate is honestly the best thing life could ever offer to cheer someone up on a bad day.

I called Becca, too. We talked a little while, and I tried to keep things as positive as I could. I really missed her, too, and talking to her helped me calm down a little. She's auditioning for Beauty and the Beast tomorrow, so I wished her good luck, and she wished me good luck, and so I at least feel a bit encouraged.

And those of you who talked to me too, I am so grateful. Seriously, this might be an absolutely awful time, but I know I'm not facing it alone. I couldn't ask for better friends. Let's keep things as hopeful as we can, ok?

And now a few lyrics from the song Be OK, by Chrisette Michele. Yeah, it's more of a break-up song, but I think it applies.

I’m a be OK,
I’m a be OK,
I’ll survive, I’ll be fine, I won't cry, no way
I’m a be OK,
I’m a be OK,
Don’t you talk, I’ll move on

I’m a keep my head up hold it high,
Really did my best God knows you try
Even though it hurts I will survive,
I’ll wipe my eyes, I’ll say it loud
Take a deep breath and count to 10,
Today’s a new day I’ll start again,
I’m a find myself so deep within,
I’m a survivor I’ll win

So today I totally spent $60 of the $160, 40 of which were on gifts and the twenty on a book of Japanese casual conversation and a PUZZLE CUBE.

THIS PUZZLE CUBE.

IT IS SO MESMERIZING.

Like seriously you cannot believe how fun it is to just solve it over and over and over again

It's actually supposed to work like this: You put a gift inside it and it locks, and the person who gets it has to solve the cube before they can have the gift. But I just had to buy it for myself. It is so amazing. So I keep putting random objects in it, like my Phoenix Wright keychain. BUT IT IS SO AWESOME.

My mom though, didn't like it at all. She said she would hate it if anyone gave her a present inside a puzzle cube. BUT I WOULD LOVE THEM TO DEATH.

And then I have to spend even more money, because I still have two friends that I need to buy gifts for... Actually more... WHY DO I HAVE SO MANY FRIENDS!?!? I really need a job.

By the way, if I've been moody to you this week (because I know I have been) it's mostly because my application for the sister city program got rejected D; I mean, I understand that with 30 or so applications you gotta cut some people... but they didn't even give me an interview... so I just feel really shortlisted.

On the other hand, I now feel this big surge of motivation to study even more Japanese and try and register for another exchange program like the Rotary club. Also, I can offer to host a Japanese student for next year's exchange, so that's good.

FUDGE. I'M BEHIND ON MY NANO. why is it so hard to write aaagh

-eats KitKats-

Also, the mall is totally and completely taken over by teenage girls. It's like the zombie apocalipse, except not. Dang Twilight movie!

Teacher: You all can't wait until the bell rings, can you?
All the Twilight fans in class: HELLZ YEAH

Some random girl: They cut out so much stuuuuuuff ;_;

Yes. This is life.

You're probably going to start reading this and think, "oh QU go emo someplace else", but I need to vent somewhere, anywhere, and this is my private journal so the next paragraphs are going to be drama-filled angstcakes, ya got it?

I'm lonely. That's it. I feel so terribly alone. I' stressed out from school, so stressed I made myself sick and had to stay home today, and I feel like throwing up from anxiety, and my head hurts and I just want to cry until I don't have any tears left to cry, and maybe it's just a hormone swing or something silly like that, but I actually did cry, in front of my mother, even. I'm alone and I feel vulnerable and I just want to be able to hug my friends again. Moving is not easy. It really isn't. I have a home but I don't feel at home and I just want to feel like I belong. I love this place, I really do, the weather is wonderful and the people are friendly but wonderful weather and friendly people aren't enough. I know I think I have friends but I feel like I'm being ditched, and I feel like no one is listening, I feel like Usui actually, the kid on the school roster that no one ever notices until they do something terribly embarassing (although I do not have a bald spot). I feel so ignored and lonely it's made me sick.

And then next week my mom's off to Brazil for two weeks and I don't even know what to do. I might just spend Halloween alone because my friends just wouldn't care enough to even try and socialize me. All I've done ever since I got here is go out with my mom and while I do love her dearly it's just not enough. God I miss my friends. I miss my brother and I miss Brazil. It's killing me. Today I drank some hot chocolate from a Drogamed mug and then remembered what my brother told me last summer, that Drogamed is out of business. And I feel as if everyone is going on with their lives without me, leaving me behind. And I know it's unreasonable and silly to think this when they still obviously care for me, but I miss everyone, all the time. It's impossible to feed all this neediness. I try and drown it all through fandom (which I also love dearly) but at times I feel like I'm just delusional... like a recreational drug; fun while it lasts but afterwards you feel like crap.

And I know there's nothing I can do. When I moved from Brazil it took me six months to feel like I even had a home. I really just want to be able to scream "ZETSUBOSHITA" and then laugh at myself and say, "Julia you are one melodramatic little kitten", but of course it's not as simple as that. It's not anything I can just brush off and it's not anything I can fix either, so am I just going to feel this way for the next six months? Drown my sorrows in chocolate, or art, or fandom crack? I really just don't know.

I really wish things were simple. Like an on or off switch. This whole post is barely even coherent, I'm just streaming out thoughts as they come to me, I've been typing nonstop for the past ten minutes, and it's really almost 11 PM, and I sprayed my pillow with perfume because I saw on Yahoo news that good smells make good dreams and I really can't afford to be plagued by nightmares tonight. And now a pause.... Because I think I've let off enough steam.

Thank you.